Paying for the hurt

POLITICAL assurances are much the same as those of dentists: you are told it won't hurt; it does, and then you end up paying for it!

Cheap trick

WITH a wave of his wand, the magician makes things vanish with apparent ease.
But making bigotry disappear is more difficult, for it requires one who can pull habits from rats.

Legend attests to gluttony

A CAT-LOVER claims that dogs are more gluttonous than cats. Surely this is wrong - otherwise why would people always be complaining about fat cats?

Stretching it

A COUPLE want to get married while bungy jumping. I hope the bride doesn't keep the groom hanging about on the halter.

Short lifespan?

NOTICED: a warehouse sign "20 per cent off carpets - won't last".

Handicapped

I'LL never make an Olympic track cyclist - my head is the wrong shape!

Glowing report

SOME years ago, it was reported that a 10-year-old boy from Wisconsin had invented a glow-in-the-dark toilet seat. Now I know this is going to sound like sour grapes, but I reckon it's just a flash in the pan.

Making George feel at home

GEORGE BEST arrives at the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter says to him "I'm afraid we can't offer you any football...but we do have a chap up here who can turn water into wine".

Roof-top parking

CHRISTMAS is coming and I wish my local council would give immediate consideration to improving the parking facilities here in Jarrahdale - I'm fed up with that fat guy landing on my roof!

Royal tangles

GEORGE 111 was said to have shaken hands with a tree he had mistaken for the German ambassador. The Royals continue to shake the family tree as they tie themselves in a proverbial Windsor knot.

An 'E.T.' experience

ALAS, this war on terrorism continues to give many innocent people an "out of this world" experience.

Sinking feeling

SOME refer to it as a pool of unemployed...and some are drowning in it.

Ready, Get set, Go!

We don't have to win the human race - just save it!

Sucking up to the boss

A SURVEY has found that what workers hate more than anything else is someone who sucks up to the boss. Well, I never suck up to the boss - but she still brings me tea in bed!

Monkey business

US scientists have produced the world's first genetically modified monkeys.The excited boffins have expressed huge relief at the fact that, as yet, not one of the monkeys has indicated a desire to pursue a political career.

That's gratitude

I'm indebted to my mother for her constant love and support, to my father for his advice and encouragement, and to my bank...for rather a lot of money!